I have tried several times to write something, anything that would describe the mix of emotions that I seem to have each day. Somedays I seem to be dealing o.k. with the fact that your life was cut so short and others I am pissed at the world. I have to remind myself that you are now at peace and aren't in pain anymore. It just doesn't always work like tonight. It breaks my heart everytime Emmy tells me that she wishes papa wasn't dead. I never thought I would have to explain to her at this age what dying meant. She looks at the north star and says that it is papa watching her. When I talk to mom I can hear it in her voice how much she misses you. And I don't even know where to start with Holly I try to let her know that I am here for her if and when she needs me, but I feel so quilty too I had some of the best moments of my life with you by my side and some of those she will never have. I would give it all back if I could so that she could have it. I try to tell her how lucky she was to have the time she did knowing how much you loved her, that knowing you were loved for a short time rather than living your whole life knowing your "real dad" was out there and wanted nothing to do with you. I really wish it had been him that had died and not you. You are the olny REAL dad I ever had. I remember the last time I saw you. It was mother's day and Emmy and I came down to suprise mom I can't believe everyone actually kept it a secret. I remember saying goodbye and telling you that I loved you if I had know it was the last time I would see you I would have hugged you longer and made sure you knew I loved you, no I wouldn't have we both know you weren't the long goodbye person short and sweet love you and come back soon. I wish I could talk to you now there is so much I need to tell you so much going on your family needs you now more than ever. I'm not sure we ever realized how important you were to us. You were the one that kept us from killing each other. I miss you more than most of my family realizes. I'm sure that they all believe that because I lived further away and didn't come down that often that I wasn't as close to you as they were, little did they know I kept in touch more than they realize. I may not have the same believes that you and mom do but I do believe that you are where you wanted to be when you left this earth. I believe that oneday we will all meet again in some other lifetime. I just want you to know that I will always cherish the time we had together and I miss you so much. I will keep my promise to you and keep an eye out for mom and Holly we both know mom is strong and will take good care of Holly. I love and miss you more each day.