17 years ago today. I remember the shock. I came across your last email to me a few months ago and the loss I've felt came sharply into focus again. I don't know how to say any differently how much you're missed. There is so much I want to say and don't know how to say it without sounding trite. I'm just looking forward to seeing you again. I love you.

Well, June 8, 2024. I’m still here doesn’t feel like I’ll ever believing. I thought I was close to it with these last weeks in the hospital and not knowing what I have still don’t know what I had but I’m starting to feel better so I guess I’m staying ready. He would send me until then. I just sit here missing you. I really hate missing you and really hate waiting to come there. I really feel like a failure. I can’t do anything to help Holly who really needs it. Crystal has really become Crystal. She stays away from the family. She has been there this couple weeks with me. Family doesn’t get along anymore. Hazel’s off New Orleans sick with Covid can’t help there stuck here. I do have the bright spot of Edon here for the week but he’s getting too old now he’s done with grandma. I think he’s ready To hang out with friends, I’m not grandma anymore. But he does pretend. and I let him think it so that he he thinks I’m happy. But I know God’s timing is right and I’ll be there when he’s ready. Just saying I love you and I miss you. And it doesn’t get any easier.

Well you know it doesn’t get any easier and I am still dead inside just waiting to be able to be with you but I have two wonderful grandsons and I know you see them I pray for Holly and them all the time we have Mikey and douggie Holly and I are both Catholic now her sons are both Catholic and severely nonverbal autistic she has a very hard life but she loves them dearly I’m sure as busy as she stays that she talks to you all the time oh I can’t believe it’s been 14 years seems like just yesterday I can still reach out and touch you or when you’re not there I love you very muchAnd pray to see you soon but it’s gods time not mine so I wait and enjoy my grandsons and my daughter and other grandchildren and children until my time I know you’re watching down on us and I know you’re in heaven at least I don’t have to feel bad about that

Fourteen years... seems like another lifetime ago, although the memories are as fresh as this morning. I think of all the funny things you used to do and it makes me smile. I wish you were still here, I know where you are is better; but you made the world better by being in it. Love you forever, Doug.

I don’t know if I’m doing this right anymore I’m missing a lot of things on here and they’re not showing up some of them I was just thinking about you and how to come and visit the tribute I try not to depend on it anymore but it doesn’t work that way I still do I miss you most as much today as I did when you passed away I think about you all the time especially now that I’m home not even in my own home I can’t afford to live by myself loving and very little money can’t buy gifts for the kids but I’m close to Holly I lived with her husband’s grandmother for a while taking care of her for a couple years but she passed away recently and I was left without a place and in the hospital so when I got out I came to Charles and Julie‘s and we don’t get along very well but I’m here I mostly stay in the one little bedroom since being diagnosed with the MS it’s not an easy going and it gets closer and closer to the time I’m not gonna walk but I hopefully before the lobby, Taylor but I keep going to physical therapy he doesn’t stop me from falling many trips to the hospital and becoming one big scar but now Jasmine tier she’s getting ready to graduate from high school and go to college just got all set up which is good Charles is an alcoholic is why it’s not much better along with the marijuana they give me marijuana now legally for medical but I don’t use it I don’t believe it works I just wish you were here or I were there I have a feeling I’m gonna live as long as you wanted to and you passed when I wanna to of course that was before I met you and we were going to grow old together and go to the mall and hold hands like the old couples we used to think was so cute and sit on the porch and talk hopefully after physical therapy again I’ll be able to at least get a part-time job even living with somebody I go broke before the months out by the time I pay my medicines and I pay my car insurance which I think is very high because I only have a 2000 PT cruiser and I’m still paying over $100 a month for insurance and it’s just PIP it’s ridiculous I guess it’s because I’m old since it I’ve only had one ticket in my lifetime well it’s 5:30 in the morning and I still haven’t gone to sleep so I am going to quit talking and come back laterI love you always

So much time has passed yet the memories of you still remain with me. I thank God that you were part of my life. Thank you for being my brother, I love you forever.

Well I'm sitting here at Hollys husband's grandmother's house I really wish I had more time with Holly she is such a great mother but I worry about how happy she is in her own life . She is so much like you. I'm so happy at the type of mother she is Like you and your grandson is the most beautiful child I have saw . I love you so much and miss you so much

Thank You, Lord for sending him to us; for the sense of humor that got me through many a rough time; for the closeness when the others excluded us; for the patience he showed as we grew up. On his birthday I take joy in his life with You, yet remain poorer for his absence. I look forward to seeing him again in the glory of Your Kingdom, for until then I miss him. Thank You for his life here and in the life to come. Amen

Hi sweetheart I'm still waiting and missing you and now I can't work have no money get 900 a month car is falling apart have to live with David and Hazel to keep from being homeless but they do take good care of me but it's NOT fun being a child again. I know you are watching over me LOVE AND MISS YOU ALWAYS AND AFTER NINE YEARS IT ISN'T ANY EASIER

Today is a bad day I drove around for a while just thinking of how much I miss you and I miss us it makes me cry but I can't I have to just let life be as it is most of it is my own fault I love the fact that David and Hazel take care of me is a great thing for me I know but they shouldn't have to I should be able to take care of myself but I wasted any chance of that you made it possible for me to be able to live comfortable but I wasted it figuring that it wouldn't bring you back so I didn't want it well time taught me different . love and miss you so bad

September 6th, many memories fill my mind as I go to say goodbye to another; I look to the day I will see you again, and know your vision extends far beyond your last words to me. I love you always and miss you.

As I reflect on the last time we shared our thoughts I feel remorse that I didn't know how to answer you, didn't have the words...didn't try harder...and being assured by our brothers that it wouldn't have made a difference, I still mourn. I still miss you and will continue to miss you until I see you again. Forgive my failings. I loved you and always will.

RIP

I HAD TO COME BY AND LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR GOING TO BE A GRANDPA I REALLY MISS SEEING THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE AND I KNOW YOU WOULD BE SO HAPPY I JUST CRY AT THE THOUGHT OF YOU NOT SEEING OR HOLDING YOUR BABY'S LITTLE BABY AND I KNOW SHE IS CRYING ABOUT IT TO. WELL I MISS AND LOVE YOU AS ALWAYS.

Thinking of you, especially as I listen to a Christmas song you said you liked...my love to you now and always...

I think you know about my recent problem, but I prayed that day, as I do most days. Until I see you again I will always miss you. I know there is a time and season to everything but it is still hard to deal with sometimes. I love you, always did, always will.

MERRY CHRISTMAS DARLING I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND WISH YOU WERE HERE. HAZEL AND DAVID ARE DOING THER BEST TO MAKE BE FEEL WELCOME AND HAPPY AND I COULDN'T ASK FOR A BETTER SON INLAW TO TAKE CARE OF ME YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT DAVID HE WAS A KEEPER, HAZEL HIT THE JACKPOT. BUT IT IS STILL NOT LIKE BEING IN MY ONW HOME WITH YOU. LOVING YOU ALWAYS

Well it's not a really bad day today as we are preparing for Holly's wedding shower which is tomorrow she is just so happy i's great to see her happy. I miss you like crazy and without a doubt wish that I could spend your birthday with you, but to spend your birthday with GOD must be awesome. I love you HAPPY BIRTHDAY

it doesn't matter how hard i try im always sad and i always cry a daily struggle to rid my grief is there every day suffocating me i no im being judged for the way i am i am trying the best that i possibly can every day is difficult and nights to living this life my love without you my days are long the hour's drag on this is whats its like since you've been gone it doesn't matter how hard i try im always sad and i always cry

Just thinking of you and missing you sitting here with Jasmine watching tv. but I had to come and just leave a note that I love you and wish you were here with me everyday

Just thinking of you and missing you so much. I am praying for the day to be with you again I know I have to wait till GOD is ready but it just doesn't get easier it gets harder sometimes.

Well another New Years gone bye and I'm still here and still without you the nightmare will never end. I miss you so much it hurts . Time to go pretend some more. LOVE YOU HAPPY NEW YEARS

I so wish you were here life will never be the same I will miss you always I will forever hide in my room for part of the day and cry a little . love you so much MERRY CHRISTMAS

Well what a day it was a good birthday only I still needed you with me I will never go a day without wanting to hear your voice or laughter or just feeling your touch and just wanting you to be here with me. I love you so much.

September... the day that was your birthday comes soon, and then in a few weeks the temperatures start to cool and then the leaves start to change color. Mom loved this time of year but it always makes me kind of sad; I'm also more aware of your absence this time of year and in the Winter. I always long for Spring, new life, flowers, green trees and the reminders that you still live (though inaccessible for now). You weren't supposed to be the first of us to go. You incorportated some of the best and worst of all of us and yet you outshone all of us. Has it really been five years? Sometimes your life seems like a dream to me now and I'm glad I wrote down some of the stories. Understanding comes as a consolation prize, I miss you still.

Bonita was good for me today Holly,Mike,Raymond and I went to Saint Mary's and just felt good being in the church felt like home. Could sense your being there with us and so at peace. I just wish that things were different I no GOD has a purpose for me to still be here but I wish I could figure it out. I no one day we will be together and never feel like we were ever apart. LOVING YOU ALWAYS

Dear Lord, I thank You for the time You gave us with Doug, the hard times as well as the good times. Thank You for the gift of memory, enabling me to smile at those remembrances so many years later. Thank You for the things You taught me through him , and for the times that were just plain fun and funny. Thank You for the gift of relationship. Doug was a very special and wonderful gift to us, Lord, and I am very grateful.

Well we closing in on five years and it doesn't get easier like I'm told I still feel you near me like the wispher of your breath or the touch of you lips but than I realize that no It's not real just wishful thinking but sometimes it helps because I remember that at least I had you for a short time and how wonderful you made me feel and than I can always be grateful to you for making me strong when I thought that I could never live on my own with out a man you made me realize that no I could do anything you wanted me to so now I can wait to get to you and live on my own and drive across a bridge and think of you when I do these things because you gave me life as I no it. THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME AND TEACHING ME. I will always love you and wait to be with you.

Well Christmas is over and you are still on my mind but I don't no how to keep up with the rest of the family without you it would be better to just forget Christmas and remember that it was made a day to remember that Jesus was born and celabrate Jesus life and how he gave his life for us so that you and one day I can be with him. Life will never be the same without you and only when we are reunited will I be happy again . I love you and I'm happy for you but want to have you with me.

Just in the last day or so it has become clear to me. Doesn't make it easier - in some ways, it's actually harder - but at last I think I understand.

My thoughts are with you very much lately and my prayers for those left behind. Life is harder for everyone and I think a lot about where you are and what it must be like. The world is *not* a better place with you out of it. And whenever I think I've accepted it something happens to show me otherwise. I miss you still.

You have been very much on my mind lately, I'm not sure why. Today it's really strong - it's snowing, which always seems to bring you to mind anyway, and it's Christmas Eve. This has been a tough year not just for me but for a lot of people. As I get older I try harder to understand, even knowing it's not going to be clear in this lifetime. I'm not really going anywhere with this, I just wanted you to know you're very much in my thoughts. Wherever you are, a blessed Merry Christmas...

Well I'll try again. today is 1618 days sense you went home I just wish it would quit hurting and that I could be with you I no I have to wait for GOD to take me but it gets harder everyday sometimes I just want to end it and get over the hurt feelings but than I no that I would never be with you or go to HAVEN and of course that is what I really want so I wait. I love you so much and it doesn't go away it just makes me think of all the wasted time I could have used to spend with you insead of shopping or going off with friends without you or getting upset and staying in my room while you were out in the yard. I think of everytime you wanted me to run or skip or just play around and I would say your crazy I to old for that and you just wanted to have fun. well now I wish I could do it all over again and make changes but I no that I can't But I can say I'm SORRY . Life is nothing without you in it. I love you always

Just sitting here missing you and hating life. worried about my future and how I will make it. I no if you were here things would be different but GOD has his reasons. I will not make it mush longer living on my income it doesn't even pay the rent, if I go to work full time than I lose my ssi which is more than I make if I work full time I need you here to talk to and tell me what to do. Holly is home for now but leaves for the service in March. I hate this as it seems more of a bitch session about my troubles instead of a missing you which it started out as .

It's hard to ignore a lifetime of habit; this would be your birthday and I guess I'm always going to remember it, though you may be ageless now. You know that I miss you still - still so many things I wish had been different, but it is what it is. You are loved still.

here I am again just thinking of you and how much I wish you were here and no that isn't possible but I sure I could see you again and just let you know how much I love you and thank you for your time with me even though I didn't show it always and of course thank you for our wonderful daughter. She is awesome but I do wish we had never said I didn't want a child with you and let her no how much we both wanted her and how much we loved her it might have been easier for her so she wouldn't think she was left here with someone who didn't want her in the beginning but she had a great love for her daddy and that will never change so I guess it was ok. I love you.

Well its that day the one I have hated for the last four years because I have been here without a you all this time and I miss you so much and as barb said I do believe that you do hear our prayers and feel our love so you have all my thoughts today and my love .

Four years later, I still don’t really understand anything. Life has gone on and we move ahead – I wonder if it’s the same where you are? Because I know that you still live. I have accepted and no longer dwell on why, but there are still times when I keenly miss you, am vividly aware of our separation. I still spend an inordinate amount of time wondering about the dimensions you now inhabit. So even though our lives go on here I think you know about the prayers I send up and the continual mourning by those you left behind, who are learning how to live with the hurt of being without you. And as it has been all along, we wait for the time we will see you again. Love always – I still miss you, Doug, Barb Almighty God, we remember before You today Your faithful servant Douglas; and we pray that, having opened to him the gates of larger life, You will receive him more and more into Your joyful service, that, with all who have faithfully served You in the past, he may share in the eternal victory of Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with You, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

It's almost the 8th of June and I just don't no it gets longer but I have learned to cope I think pretty well. I miss you like crazy and love you even more . I no GOD will join us together soon I just don't no when but I hope it is soon life is useless with out you.

Just stopped by to say hello and that I miss you still and I love you very much. Just thinking of you

I want to say that I really miss you always and will never stop I want to just hear your laugh or see you smile. I remember you soft touch and it makes it bitter sweet just thinking of how you would touch and be scared it was to rough but my knowing it was so soft and knowing I couldn't get enough of your touch and smile. Thank you for being you and loving me. Thank GOD for bring you into my life and giving me your love

Just thinking of you and how much I miss you and wish you were here with us. Got a job at disney hard work and sore feet, but feels good to be working. I have to turn this off for now as Sadie is trying to type and I have to keep erasing it so just letting you no that I think of you and love and miss you much.

Please Doug welcome Nicki into life and help her on her way I no her husband is there so maybe you can make new friends and when I get there we can all be friends. I miss you and miss you but now you have a friend their.

Well I was just laying in bed thinking of you and how much I miss you but than I think of how GOD gave you to me and how much I'm thankful to GOD for giving me even just a short time maybe not getting old together like we wanted and maybe not having the wedding I kept putting off but at least I had you and you changed my life and let me no what real love is and real happiness was so I do miss you and I still love you and will forever have you in my heart but I no that one day GOD will bring us together again as we are married in his eyes and that means we will be in heaven together forever. I love you more later

just thinking of you and how much I love you.I really was thinking of when we first met and how hard it was to stay away but you we in my blood from the first time I watched you walk Mary Holly and I couldn't put you out of my mind. GOD meant for us to be together it was so awesome I hope for Holly to have the same type of love one day.

well honey the only thing that i can offer is a HAPPY BRITHDAY AND SAY HOW MUCH I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU I JUST CAN'T WAIT FOR GOD TO CALL ME TO HIM BUT WHILE I'M WAITING HOLLY IS GOING TO DO GREAT THINGS WITH HER LIFE SO I WON'T BE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT AND WAY HONEY I JUST WANTED YOU TO NO WHEN I HAD A BAD DAY AND HAD TO GET OUT I KNEW I JUST WILL NEVER BE OVER YOU AND THERE IS NOTHING BAD ABOUT THAT BUT YOU JUST BETTER BE WAITING ON ME WHERE I GET THERE I WILL BE MS OTT BY THAN AND HOPEFULLY THINNER THAN I AM NOW SO I'M GETTING READY FOR GOD TO CALL ME SO HAPPY BRITHDAY DARLING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH . AND I PRAY FOR GOD TO LET US BE TOGETHER SOON. AND IF YOU NEAR AS ALL SAYS TO ME LET ME NO IT I WOULD NEVER BE SCARED BUT I WOULD HANDLE LIFE A LITTLE BETTER. P.S.S I LOVE YOU SURE WOULD LIKE A GAME OF POOL AT THE GRAPE VINE

I don't know how many birthdays I thought of you and wondered where you were. And here we are again. I wish I had known the last time we "talked" that I would never have the chance again in this lifetime. Wherever you are, happy birthday...I still miss you...and I look to the day when I will see you again. Almighty God, we remember before you today your faithful servant Douglas; and we pray that, having opened to him the gates of larger life, you will receive him more and more into your joyful service, that, with all who have faithfully served you in the past, he may share in the eternal victory of Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Here I go again with Cassandra she needed to come back but I really didn't want her to as she really dislikes me unless I have money than she comes to see what she can get out of me but I guess that I sort of taught them that as we always trid to give them what they could but I guess they don't see it as love. I hope that this time she really likes it as Carol doesn't have a place to live and darius won't leave Carol alone which is good but very bad for him I just hope before it gets to bad that he will ask for help this time and stay out of trouble. I don't no what to do with Carol to help her but wait for her to admit she needs and wants it but at this time she says everyone is lying and I can't prove differant. Well I really miss your guidence as much as your love because as a parent and grandparent I fail without you but that is the real me nothing without you in my life. I hear that you are here somewhere now I just have to find that place or thing and except it than maybe I can start to make a real live for myself until we are together again at GOD'S will. anyway just stopped bye to see if this would help and to say I miss and love you always. you are still the light of my life and GOD TRULEY BLESSED ME WITH YOU AND US WITH HOLLY . I'm truley greatful for the time we were together

Well trying again this is the second time tonight so until I get this fixed I'm going to say I love you and will never stop missing you I seen Jess came by on the eighth and I have been trying to leave a note sense then but nothing it just erases it as soon I write it so this is the second time tonight but I will just say I love you very much and it doesn't it get easier and I miss you as much today as the first day and I pray to just feel your presents around me until I can be with you . Three years and it is just like yesterday no easier and not any less painful. I love you

Fathers day has come and gone and Holly made it thru it she spent the whole day with me and seem not to even want to tell Hazel happy birthday as this year it was also her birthday. Holly did talk to Hazel but it is just a bad day for Holly to go thru. I love you Doug

It is hard to believe it has been three years. Some days I can still get upset thinking about it; the one who hated me and poisons my relationships to this day remains while you are gone. Then I remember that I will not be forgiven if I cannot forgive. The motives are wrong but most people don’t have unselfish motives. God makes all things new, and turns all things to the good for those who love Him. If it’s true that the saints near God can appeal to Him, then help me out here. I was home last week and your memory was there in a powerful way, almost as if your ghost had been there. I went places we had all gone and realized belatedly that you must have loved some of them, the place mom used to take Kim, the road that intersects Westmoreland, the dock behind that house…did you ever notice the scent of the gardenia bush there? I could almost see you. I remembered your last message to me. Sometimes I feel that way too, but I think I will see you soon anyway. I’m not afraid but I do regret not doing many things differently. Too many. My nappy-headed bro, you are still remembered and missed.

Hello MY LOVED ONE, I have finally figured out why I was left behind and no that it is a good reason. 1. Holly- I will be able to see her get married if she so wants to. See her children if she has them be here if she needs me. 2- I will be here for all of are children when they need me which has happened. 3- I am able to watch our grandchildren grow up and last I am able to realize how much you and my family mean to me and how much I need all of you. It is hard that you are not here with me but I'm glad to be here after all. I love and miss you and always will but I'm glad to be with our children.

HERE I SIT ALONE AND ALSO WATCHING MARRLEY AND ME WHAT A GREAT MOVIE YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED HATE FOR IT SAD BUT GREAT. IT MAKES ME THINK OF YOU AND HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS YOU I WANT YOU HERE WITH ME I LOVE YOU AND JUST DON'T NO WHAT TO DO WITHOUT YOU I CAN'T GET IT RIGHT ANYMORE YOU WERE THE LEADER IN MY LIFE YOU MADE ME WHAT I WAS BUT NOW WITH YOU GONE I'M NOTHING AT ALL. JUST ASK HOLLY SHE NO'S ME BEST AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KISS MY CHEECK AND HUG ME LET ME NO YOU LOVE ME MAKE MY WORLD RIGHT AGAIN OR PLEASE COME AND TAKE ME AWAY AS I CAN'T GET THERE ON MY OWN . LOVE YOU ALWAYS

DUGGIE, Only a few more days till it would have been twenty years for us to no each other for better or worse. I'm here for the worse I guess I gave you the worse so please forgive me and let Holly no so that she will quit hating me. She needs to love someone now that she doesn't have you. I no that you were leaving me and that you hated me but I'm so sorry I made your life so bad and now I'm sure Holly thinks that I'm to blame for you taking to many pills so please, please forgive me. I wish that it was me not you and I will that I could quit loving you when I no that you didn't love me. Forgive me

Remembering you, still missing you, still wondering why, trying to accept what I cannot change. You live on forever in our hearts... that doesn't stop me from wishing I could see you and touch you and hear you, little brother. Love always, Barb.

Douglas Ott since 1989 we planned to go to Las Vegas to get married we just never found the right time as we My name is Kathy Lundy and my daughter Holly is seventeen I have lived with her father were waiting to get out of debt but never did we had talked about it just two weeks before he died that we would go to in a few weeks and get married no matter what as it bothered out daughter that we never married there was many times in her life that she would just pretend she was the priest and she would make us get married holding the bible and me holding flowers Doug holding my ring and she would make us say the vowels and kiss. Anyway Doug wouldn't go to a Doctor and I made him go to get his check up after years of complains about different things with his health he was told he had hepatitis C and hammer toes so he had to take had taken treatments for hepatitis c and that lasted 18 months he also had surgery on both feet and when this happened he was put on pain killers for all problems from surgery and treatments which Doctors for pain management and the doctor just gave him to many pills he said he was hooked and called the doctor and told them not to give him anymore as he wanted off and would they help him to get off and he ended up going to another doctor who gave him more pills plus a new one which was kadin or something also Norco which was what he wanted off they told him the kadin would help him come off the Norco but with the sleeping pills and others that he was on it was just to much. Now he is gone to us forever and our lives have changed big time forever. June 8th 2007 Kathy Lundy

I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I HOPE I GET TO COME UP THERE REAL SOON WITH YOU I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU I WILL SEND YOU SOME PICTURES. MY DADDY MISSES YOU AND HE LOVES YOU AND SAID THAT I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN WHEN GOD IS READY CAUSE HE IS BOSS. SO I HOPE HE HURRYS UP. BYE I LOVE YOU. JASMINE

Just sitting here and out of the blue something silly reminds me of you. It still seems like it yesterday that you left us. I hope that wherever you are that you are happy and finally at peace. Life here is always changing. We are waiting for orders to find out where we are going next. It's a very exciting time for us but at the same time sad. I worry about mom and if she will be o.k. sometimes she scares me the way she talks its like she has lost herself. I just don't know what to do she has always been the strongest person I've known and she is so lost. I just don't know how to help her.

WELL ALL THE MEDS AND DOCTORS IN THE WORLD CAN MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY. I WILL LOVE YOU TILL I DIE AND I WILL WANT YOU TILL I DIE. I THINK I WANT TO DIE NOW THEN I DO SOMETHING WITH OUR GRANDCHILDREN LIKE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY I WENT IN HOPE OF FORGETING BUT IT NEVER GOES AWAY IT IS AWAYS THERE NO MATTER WHAT. I HAD THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND NEVER EVEN ACTED LIKE IT I SHOULD HAVE SHOWED MORE LOVE AND BEEN CLOSER TO YOU , I CAN'T BELEIVE THAT I LET YOU RUN ME OFF TO NEW YORK WITH HOLLY AND NOT TAKE YOU WITH US, AND THEN I DIDNT DRINK ANYTHING ON YOUR BRITHDAY BUT I KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND THAT. ANYWAY I LOVE AND MISS YOU , HUGS AND YOU CAN HUG ME BACK.

Eyes raised to Heaven Searching for any signs of you. Eyes raised to Heaven. Embracing you. Eyes raised to Heaven Communicating my love to you. Eyes raised to Heaven Remembering your love and gentleness. Eyes raised to Heaven Remembering your courage, strength, determination. Eyes raised to Heaven Remembering how you celebrated life. Eyes raised to Heaven Treasured memories of our time together here on earth. Eyes raised to Heaven Knowing you are safe, and happy....free of pain. Forever!

well it is Dec 2008 and I still miss you as much as the day you died and I don't have dreams about you which scares me why can't I dream maybe than I could start a new life of my own just me no one else I need no other man and no one could ever be as good as you I would just like to live life feeling alive but I haven't figured out how to do that without you please GOD let me no what to do and let DOUG come to me in my sleep and let me no that it is going to be alright. Thank you I love you DOUG and Thank you LORD.

Well I will try this one more time the last one I wrote disapeared. Little Charles truned 18 today and of course I'm sure nothing was done for him I did find him online and tell him happy brithday I sit and think about how everything has changed sense you left us I'm sure your in heaven watching us and I am ashamed to have you see me the kids you knew what they were like they still check on me daily that is part of them Charles moved as you knew and you no why but it came out about Jorge anyway when Holly told her consulor they had to get the ploice involed Crystal still doesn't know why he moved and they have quit talking all together Heather and Crystal had words and that way I guess Charles never had to let her know why he didn't want to change jobs and go with Jorge so I guess they will never be close again like Holly and Crystal they were so close and now don't talk at all Holly barley talks to me she thinks because I still love Crystal and talk to her that I'm taking their side of the Jorge and Holly thing which is not right at all I no how hard Holly tried to keep it quiet and not let Crystal find out she didn't want to hurt her but then Crystal stayed with Jorge so now Holly feels like Crystal hates her. so now because I talk with all my kids and Holly isn't old enough to understand life she doesn't call me I have to call her and then Hazel has to make her call me most of the time. but one day she will understand about a mother. I'm not sure about Holly and Crystal or for that matter Hazel & Charles but what can I do there to old I have no right to make them do anything. so maybe one day things will change and maybe even before I die but I don't think so I can't help Brittany or Charles and I don't no what Carol or Cliff are thinking because both children are losing there life to either drugs and theft I think little Charles still has a chance but he doesn't have a parent to try to get him on track. but I guess I have no room to talk my children had bad lifes and I didn't do much to help them thur there hard times but they all no I love them and my grandkids more than life that is what keeps me going without you, I do fear for Crystal when she finds out the truth about Jorge and also Carol when she one day realizes how she made her own children feel. I'm litterly scared of Brittany and I think there is no hope for her but at least Baron and Doc went to prison for there crimes Freddie and Jorge got away because Holly wouldn't testifie in court she didn't want to be around him. I hate the way the family seems to have fallen apart without you but at least I no they loved you and listen to you I do wish the Jorge thing had came out before you died but then you might be in jail I don't nol wnyway just letting off a little steam because I'm lonely and upset to about little Charles brithday and nothing getting done for him and Cliff right there and doesn't care anyway I love you always

my thoughts are dead I have no thoughts without you. I love you and my children but they don't need me anymore and I will always need you please let GOD no how much I need to be with you and not here on earth doing nothing. just waiting to join you and hoping the kids come to see me once in a while but of course charles has come twice and raymond twice carol twice hazel three or four and crystal never and she is the one who needs to move with me but she wont I just hope that she isn't being abused like before but all I can do is pray for her and also for Crystal and Holly to become close as I no they must miss each other they were to close to not talk and so pray to GOD to help with that and not to hurt Crystal anymore in life.

Ok you know that I'm not into all that mushey stuff but I still do the important stuff so I'm here to say happy birthday and tell you that you are so loved and missed. And I was thinking of all the different things that you would have wanted for your b-day or where we would have went for your B-day dinner. Well I'm leaving this site because I'm now starting to cry and you know how we both dont want that. I love and miss you and so do Novi And Bristol.

Well here I am all alone Holly has moved in with Hazel for school pruposes and I hate this already I just miss you and love you more so much that I can't take much more of this I did ask Jim Morgan to move in as he needs a place to live and wants to come back to Florida so I might have a house guest soon which will be a big help. anyway my love I just wanted to say I love you and I miss you.

PLEASE HELP ME JUST LET ME NO THAT YOU ARE OK AND THAT YOU LOVE ME I MISS YOU SO MUCH I'M TIRED OF CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP AND I HOPE TO BE WITH YOU SOON AT GODS REQUEST BUT I WANT TO SEE HOLLY GROW UP AND HAVE CHILDREN AND MAKE IT BIG IN THE FILM BUSNIESS AND SEE THE REST OF MY GRANDCHILDREN GROW UP INTO NICE ADULTS BUT I MISS YOUR TOUCH I THINK OF ALL THE TIME I WASTED ON KEEPING TO MYSELF AND NOT BEING WITH YOU AND HOLLY WHEN YOU WOULD SAY PLEASE COME WITH US OR WATCH THE MOVIE WITH US AND I WOULD JUST GO OFF ON MY OWN AND WASTED ANYTIME I COULD HAVE SPEND WITH YOU AND I THINK OF ALL THE TIMES I SHOULD HAVE SAID I LOVE YOU AND DIDN'T BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SAY IT FIRST WHEN I KNEW THAT WAS JUST YOUR WAY BUT I COULDN'T TAKE YOU FOR WHAT I TOOK YOU FOR IN THE BEGANING BUT WE DID TALK AND WE DID NO THAT WE LOVED EACH OTHER AND GOING TO MARRY BEFORE ALL THIS HAPPENED BUT I SHOULD BE HAPPY WITH THAT BUT I WANT TO TOUCH YOU AND HEAR YOU SAY I LOVE YOU. LOVE YOU

Of all the people in my life you always were the one I knew loved me for myself and didn't judge me. I wish I could say that we were closer than we were but that would be a lie. I took the road that made me happiest just like you always told me too. If I could go back there are things that I would change I believed you when I asked you point blank if you were o.k. and you said yes you still had alot of pain but were doing better. I thought we had years and years left. But instead you left so suddenly. I'm keeping my promise to you doing the things we agreed on. I went to see mom and Lizard this weekend. They break my heart everytime we see eachother. I wish you could see Emmy she is getting so big and she misses her papa. I know that where ever you are you are finally at peace. I miss you more than anyone will ever know. I alone have to live with the fact I was never the daughter I should have been. All my love

Hardly a day goes by that I don't think of you, Doug. I found a picture of my granddaughter last week in a box - I remember it took my breath away when it was first given to me; it was like looking at that baby photo of you that mom kept on her dresser. It caught me every time I passed it, I always saw you, not Katey. These days it's more random memories, not the stuff I thought at the time would stick, but stuff that makes me smile: Jeanne at about age 7 calling you Uncle Bug and telling you to watch out or someone would squash you - and you telling her that she - "Beannie" - needed to be careful someone didn't cook her in a pot. That time we were leaving some building in Sarasota together and I felt like I was coming down with the flu and mumbled that my face hurt, and you saying, "Yeah, I'm sure it does, it's killing me!" Or that time we snuck out of the house in dad's brand new Mustang in Arlington, and I drove us into Washington DC - and got lost and we couldn't find our way back to Virginia. We got back finally about a half hour before dad woke up for work. Not all of my thoughts are funny. How I wish you could have met David; we were going to come see you after we got settled in Texas. I think you would have liked him. I wanted to see for myself what happened to you, those last couple of years, how you went to church again and got serious about God. The change in you was remarkable and I could hear it in your voice as I read the e-mail from you. I guess I'll get to hear about it someday. You were still you, just more fulfilled somehow. It was an answer to an ancient prayer of mine because you had something to do with my turning back to God. I just want you to know that I miss you terribly. Your death has brought me closer to Kathy, she's become like a sister. But we both wish you were still here, there's an aching gulf in all of us and life is a bit harder for us without you.

doug i miss you. sassy has all kinds of rip papa doug on here walls and she is always making new ones she misses u so much. she says you have cazme to see her a few times but she is no0t afraid like she was the first time

If tomorrow starts without me, And I'm not there to see, If the sun should rise & find your eyes all filled with tears for me; I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today, While thinking of the many things, We didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, As much as I love you, And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too; But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand, that an angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand, And said my place was ready, In heaven far above, And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love. But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye, For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die. I had so much to live for, So much left yet to do, it seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you. I thought of all the yesterdays, The good ones and the bad, I thought of all that we shared, And all the fun we had. If I could relive yesterday, Just even for a while, I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile. But then I fully realized, That this could never be, For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me. And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss some tomorrow, I thought of you, and when I did, My heart was filled with sorrow. But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me, From His great golden throne, He said, "This is eternity, And all I've promised you." Today your life on earth is past, but here life starts anew. I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last, and since each day is the same way, There's no longing for the past. So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we' re far apart for i'll be watchiong over you and always in your heart

IT HAS ONLY BEEN ONE YEAR SENSE GOD TOOK YOU FROM US BUT IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. I KEEP THINKING OF THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU RIGHT THEN AND THERE. I HAD ALWAYS READ ABOUT FAIRY TAIL ROMANCES AND WOULD LAUGH ABOUT THEM AS NOT BEING TRUE BUT WHEN I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU I FOUND OUT THAT THERE ARE TRUE FAIRY TAIL LOVES AND OURS ONE OF THEM WE HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS BUT WE ALWAYS HAD EACH OTHER. I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT GOD MAKES MY LIFE GO BY FAST SO THAT I CAN BE WITH MY ONE TRUE LOVE. SO MY LOVE TILL WE MEET AGAIN .

Aug 26, 2007 6:25 PM Subject: my dad Body: As soft winds sweep away the days I look back on life through a haze. Remember playgrounds, parks and friends, In childlike gaze that never ends. The laughter in a game of catch, Shall memory ever attach... To innocence in youthful eyes, Catching the ball to Dad's surprise. I recall my first bike, first wreck, Who picked me up, said, "What the heck?" Convinced me to give one more try, While, knees skinned, I forgot to cry. Just the joy knowing he was there, Making him proud my only care. There was nothing I couldn't do, My heart held fast that to be true. Though teenage years were kind of rough, I sure wasn't too big or tough. You taught me to defend what's right And never back down from a fight. So I learned the hard way to stand, Still, with each lump, I found your hand. Drawing from you an inner strength, And stubborn pride of equal length. But there the line of fate was drawn, As though I blinked and you were gone. I found myself facing the sun, Not woman, not girl, but fatherless, one. Eyes blinded by a void inside, I could not live that you had died. Alas finding it to be true, I could do nothing without you. Please, Dad, today just hear my call, I'm sorry that I dropped the ball. My life is wrecked, my knees are skinned, My emotions undisciplined. I can't get up although I try, Please don't be upset if I cry. Though I can't fight what I can't see, Please, Dad, say you're still proud of me. HOLLY

When I was asked to do this, I thought this would be easy seeing as how I’ve made my living public speaking. One thing I hate is people at Funerals pretending someone is a better person then they were, but I can say with 100% honesty that no words spoken by anyone here can portray Doug in a better light then he has earned in his short but rich life. I’ve never met anyone so giving. An example would be Christmas 2005. I had no money for prescription drugs that I needed. I never asked for a dime, yet he said, “ how much do you need?”, I said probably $100 and that is all I can afford to be back and he sent $600. And he said don’t worry about it. That is Doug in a nutshell. Always looking out for and helping others. It took almost 20 years of knowing Doug to get to the point today and to try to sum it up with one story, just wouldn’t be fair. I’d say it started with first time we worked together. I was training for New Horizon Kennels at Palm Beach and Doug came to town looking for a job. I called the boss up and said give Doug the job. Then everyone came and told me he had a girlfriend in Bonita Springs who was going to take my job. I went right to him and said, “Am I out of a job?” he said, “No. She has to find her own job.” So at that point I realized this is a person of great character. Then later in life I left home and had no where to go and he allowed me to move in and from that day on I really became one of the family. Off and on from that time forward I have lived with and been welcomed into the family. As the years went by the roads we traveled left the dog business and went on to other things, some of those such as the carpet business we traveled together others were totally separate. Never the less, we always remained in touch. When I decided to get married he was a no brainer for my bestman. No one else I could think of meant so much to me. In the twilight of his time here with us he became more spiritual and our conversations changed from totally goofing off to a more serious in nature. Such as our beliefs and our own mortality. Doug is one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. So we would have long conversations and debate issues dealing with religion. I’m not sure why God chose to take him home so early. But, then I pause and think who are we to say it is early. It was the right time because God knows what he is doing, but I sure wish Doug was here to debate the issue with. At this point we all grieve but somewhere in God’s kingdom Doug is doing well and enjoying his just rewards

I have tried several times to write something, anything that would describe the mix of emotions that I seem to have each day. Somedays I seem to be dealing o.k. with the fact that your life was cut so short and others I am pissed at the world. I have to remind myself that you are now at peace and aren't in pain anymore. It just doesn't always work like tonight. It breaks my heart everytime Emmy tells me that she wishes papa wasn't dead. I never thought I would have to explain to her at this age what dying meant. She looks at the north star and says that it is papa watching her. When I talk to mom I can hear it in her voice how much she misses you. And I don't even know where to start with Holly I try to let her know that I am here for her if and when she needs me, but I feel so quilty too I had some of the best moments of my life with you by my side and some of those she will never have. I would give it all back if I could so that she could have it. I try to tell her how lucky she was to have the time she did knowing how much you loved her, that knowing you were loved for a short time rather than living your whole life knowing your "real dad" was out there and wanted nothing to do with you. I really wish it had been him that had died and not you. You are the olny REAL dad I ever had. I remember the last time I saw you. It was mother's day and Emmy and I came down to suprise mom I can't believe everyone actually kept it a secret. I remember saying goodbye and telling you that I loved you if I had know it was the last time I would see you I would have hugged you longer and made sure you knew I loved you, no I wouldn't have we both know you weren't the long goodbye person short and sweet love you and come back soon. I wish I could talk to you now there is so much I need to tell you so much going on your family needs you now more than ever. I'm not sure we ever realized how important you were to us. You were the one that kept us from killing each other. I miss you more than most of my family realizes. I'm sure that they all believe that because I lived further away and didn't come down that often that I wasn't as close to you as they were, little did they know I kept in touch more than they realize. I may not have the same believes that you and mom do but I do believe that you are where you wanted to be when you left this earth. I believe that oneday we will all meet again in some other lifetime. I just want you to know that I will always cherish the time we had together and I miss you so much. I will keep my promise to you and keep an eye out for mom and Holly we both know mom is strong and will take good care of Holly. I love and miss you more each day.

Doug is one of the best people that a single mom of 5 and her children could have asked for. When they met I was a very selfish child and very jealous of him. I did not want to share mom with him. Now I'm glad he pushed his way past me. I was not one of the nicest people to him for the first year or two of their relationship. It wasn't until after my little sister (Holly) was born that I grew up and stopped being mean to him. But during all of that time he never gave up on me. He tried very hard to do and be their for all 6 of us kids without regard to the fact that weren't all his biological children. He was there to help us through some very bad times and we had some extremely good times. He was the true meaning of a Dad, grandfather and a friend to all of us. He was Holly's best-friend and he would do all kinds of stuff with her and her friends. He could turn the most boring things into fun. I'm sure you could ask anyone that had encountered him about the fact that he was the kind of person that you couldn't really burn a bridge with.... Anyone could have asked him for anything and if he had it they got it. It could have been his last $10.00 if he thought you needed you got it. There wasn't anything that I couldn't talk to him about. And he never gave us bad advice. He was the best thing that ever happened to our mom and all of us. They had their ups and downs like all couples do but they were awesome together. He is greatly missed and will forever be with us. And that is because I'm the person I am today because of him and mom. Without their unconditional love and guidance I'm not sure where I'd be today. I love and miss him more and more everyday. I can only imagine how much mom and Holly are hurting so please keep them and the rest of us in your thoughts and prayers.

well here goes another day without you and i wish it was over. i still can't think of my life without you. last nite I had to listen to one of our grandchildren talk about how if you were still alive her life would be differant but I don't think so . I have made a new good friend in Jessie she is a wonderful person like you always thought I wish we had found her when we went to my uncles and look for her then we would have had a few good memories to share together instead I do get learn new fun facts about you and your family.Well we have things to do today so I guess that I should get off the computer and do something productive as I seem to have lost all intrest of anything sense you've been gone,I have no engery to do anything.Maybe I just have no will left you took it with you only one good thing about this is that I no that we will meet agian and I will always have great memories and your spirit will be wiht me always. I love you always.

Thank you for setting up this memorial to DUGGIE. We hope that you find it a positive experience developing the site and that it becomes a place of comfort and inspiration for you to visit whenever you want or need to.

I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other that we still are. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was.